I’m not an extrovert. I’m not an introvert either to be honest, I believe I am what they call a bubbly introvert, which is a fancy way of saying I like people, and will chat with them excessively when around them, but I have a limit, and once that limit is reached I need my own space so I can regroup and re-energize. What I do admit I am though, is a control freak. I like, hmm, OK scratch that, I love being in control. I like order, I do not like unpleasant, unplanned twists and plots to my day therefore I like to plan everything to the T! But alas! I’m in a new season whereby I have zero control! Yikes!
New job, new career path means I have bosses now, as in actual people senior to me whom I report to and who plan my day for me, plan my week, my month and are able to just suddenly ask me to drop what was on the planned calender to go assist elsewhere because a sudden thing came up and the person covering that unit can no longer do so. Shriek! Did I mention before that I do not like unplanned, unpleasant surprises?! Had to leave most of my convenient possessions back home because I just couldn’t afford to carry them all with me, which leaves me dependent on lots of other factors for transport, day to day living etc which I do not like because like I said, I love to be in control. The other day I had to miss church because the Uber driver was late, he got lost and therefore arrived late, by which it was already too late for me to even bother to go ahead with the church plan anyway, sigh!
So you are probably reading this and shaking your head in judgment, thinking gosh child you are a total control freak! And you know what? You are spot on. Lol. Now please don’t think this is something God hasn’t highlighted to me before, and this is why I always say God has an amazing sense of humour, and also He is quite the disciplinarian, He will put you in a fiery furnace to purify you, to mould you, to teach you certain things that are only teachable whilst in the furnace. Certain parts of you can only be moulded whilst you are in the fire, and here I am, smack in the deep end having lost control of absolutely everything.
I was chatting with a friend of mine just now about how it’s funny that destiny doesn’t quite look like we think it would. She said to me imagine Abraham’s horror when he realized phase one of stepping out into his destiny meant getting circumsized. Yikes! And truth be told destiny, is often like this. If anyone had asked me earlier this year if I truly believed that moving to where I am now was God’s plan for my life I would have responded with a vigorous yes! I was certain this was God’s plan for my life and at this point in time in my life. But now that I have moved, I have found myself questioning everything. Questioning if I truly heard from God, if I chose the correct country or province. If I even really need to study or work. I have even found myself longing for the past season where I was just waiting on God whilst at my parents house, and the truth is the major reason I feel this way is because at least in most past seasons of my life I have retained control.
So here I am now, in a season of my life where God in his kindness and great mercy has decided it is time my child I taught you to relinquish control over to Me. I won’t lie, it sucks. I have found myself over the past few weeks frustrated, tired, unable to re-energize and re-stratergize, questioning everything and just wishing for another kind of reality. Then today, God reminded me that to start of with, I am not alone. I am never alone, because He is right there with me every step of the way. He has already gone ahead of me and prepared a way, and now is walking with me along the path He has prepared. Secondly, He never gives me more than I can bear. And lastly, relinquishing control is a major part of the deal when you give your life over to Christ. It’s right there in the contract, giving your life over to Jesus, meaning your life is literally no longer your own. Tjo!
It’s a tough season for me, yet it is a very necessary one, that I would learn to focus my eyes on the author and perfector of our faith, that as Hebrews says in several places, that I would fix my eyes on Jesus and get strength from Him to get through the day, one day at a time remembering that His mercies are new every morning. Destiny is often not quite what we pictured it to be because more often than not we picture a paradise, yet as is said, we forget the award for passing calculus 1, is calculus 2! So I shall keep my head down and do the work in front of me, keeping my thoughts fixed on Jesus, my strength, my peace, my calm through the storm. I highly recommend the song Even if by MercyMe if anyone out there can relate with this jumbled post.